Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Fear of letting Go by Sistah Dee

 When I think about my life and account for the time, I have spent more time as a sinner than saved and in comparison, there is none.......I would have it no other way, I love my life in Christ. But it took me a while to get to this point because I was comfortable living in sin, I did what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wanted. Never having to give an account for my actions, I was always justified in my ways. "I'm not hurting anyone by what I do", "This is just who I am" and the best one was " I work hard, so I deserve to......." It made perfect sense to me and I knew no other way to think because this was the nature I was born into. Yes, I was raised up in the church, father a pastor and mother an evangelist but I did not have my own personal relationship with God, nor was I really interested in having one. My desire was as soon as I turn 18,  I'm outta here and I'm gonna live my  "own"  life. True to my promise I began that quest, and even as things began to unravel in my life, it wasn't so much that I didn't know how to reach out to the Lord for help but  that it was the fear of letting go of what I knew (a life of sin), for an unknown God. A God I did not understand, could not see or trust. I'd never had a personal relationship with Jesus, I only knew of him through my parents. I had however when things in my life got rough I made attempts to be "saved", only to run right back to a life of sin when the smoke cleared and things appeared better. Like anyone whose lived this same pattern knows, it is often a long time before you come to the realization that you are heading in the wrong direction, a direction straight to destruction. My life became a vicious cycle of boozing, depression, anger, bitterness, abuse and low self-esteem. I desired to get off this road but I just didn't know how. My mom would pray for me and minister to me with the Word of God, but I couldn't see how this God could forgive and love someone like me, plus everyone would think I was crazy, laugh at me, I would loose all my friends and I wouldn't be able to have fun anymore. I would miss out on everything!!!!! I struggled with this for years..........until the pressure and weight of sin became too much for me to bare. Alcohol, sex and relationships were not filling the voids I felt, I needed more, but what?!?! I became restless and my sleep was disturbed, I was in a constant state of fear and depression. Let me tell you, all those things my mother had ministered to me started coming back to me, so I started seeking the Lord and asking, no begging for him to help me. I promised him that if he saved me from all this anguish that I'd run for him for the rest of my life. Well, its been 4 years and I'm still standing my friend, it has not been an easy road or a perfect one but none the less Christ is here to give me what i need to make it. I now have peace and joy even when things around me are jacked up, gratitude and love in my heart like I've never felt before and its all because of Jesus. And just as he patiently waited for me, he waiting for you, just invite him in. I guarantee you that your life won't be the same and you won't regret it in the morning either (smile), he truly is a loving God. If your ready to make that change, let go of the fear and pray this prayer:

Father God, I acknowledge myself as a sinner and my need for your son Christ Jesus to come into my life as Lord and Savior. I confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ is Lord and believe in my heart that he is the risen Son of God. Amen.

 If you've prayed this prayer and believe in your heart that your now born again, Congratulations!!!!! God bless you on your new journey in a new life.  I pray your strength in the Lord and encourage you to find a bible based ministry that can teach you and help you grow and prosper in your walk with Christ.

Sistah Dee

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